A Case of the Blues

A Case of the Blues

A young, accomplished couple, Jamie and Kurt are a joy to be around. Despite the fact that they have a strong love for each other, they often find themselves in dispute over apparently trivial concerns. They had an especially tumultuous dispute only a week before their wedding anniversary. Jamie had voiced her displeasure with Kurt's hectic schedule and the short amount of time he had to spend with her. We got through it thanks to Kurt, who committed to working harder. However, the issue would inevitably recur if the actual concerns were not addressed. It was Jamie's choice to bring up their anniversary that unwittingly set the stage for their next fight.

It's our anniversary next week, and I wanted to make sure we did something special to celebrate.

"Jamie, you know I don't really enjoy festivities," Kurt said after taking a long breath.

There is no need to be sarcastic, Kurt. "It's a big deal to me," Jamie went on, her voice low and desperate. "When you really care about someone, you make an effort to meet their needs, don't you?" Last year, I devised a strategy, and it's now your time. Why not plan something really romantic for me? Okay? "

Jamie just needed a little nod from Kurt to know that this anniversary would be something special. She couldn't concentrate on her job that week because she was imagining what Kurt would do to show her how much he loved her. The long-awaited moment has finally come! Despite Kurt's promise to be home at six, he was late. Jamie was tense at six minutes past six o'clock. Her pace accelerated with each peek at the timer. Finally, an anxious Kurt strode through the door, carrying a bunch of red roses in his hands. Jamie smiled warily as he accepted the flowers, expecting what was to come. Kurt turned around, grabbed a drink from the fridge, and collapsed onto the sofa with the remote control without so much as a glance.

Jamie's blood was turning to ice as she looked carefully. Then she questioned, "Is that it?"

Is that it?

Then what? " "Happy Anniversary!" Jamie's demeanor changed. "You promised to organize something unique and romantic, and this..." She clinched her fist and shook the flowers in her hand, "is it?"

There's no need to worry about me now, Kurt said. That was never my thing, and I told you so.

"Don't tell me you're telling the truth!" "Yes," you said, with a "yes."

That's not true. " Nothing was agreed upon by me." You always want me to prove to you that I care about you. That's a no-no! Even if I wanted to do anything special for our anniversary, I wouldn't want to do it after you told me you expected it! Angry, Kurt swiveled his gaze back to the screen. All of the enjoyment has been sucked out of everything by you.

Jamie burst into tears and screamed. So, "However, if you knew how to express your love for me, I wouldn't have to say anything."

Kurt Switched Off the Television and Left the House Without Saying a Word

They were once again left feeling ignored and undervalued. To make matters worse, their conditioned reaction was to blame one another for their sentiments of pain and anger.

A look at the encounter in terms of whether or not they were trying to learn or defend themselves can help us understand why things went awry.

In the beginning, Jamie tries to control Kurt by eliciting remorse from him. Kurt's method of control is resistance, since he doesn't want to be controlled and can't express how being dominated makes him feel. As a result of this, Jamie believes that she can achieve her goal of a romantic anniversary by imposing more guilt (control). Angry with his inability to articulate himself, Kurt goes into a state of solitary contemplation (control). In the end, Kurt arrives home late, sits on the couch, and provokes Jamie's rage by demonstrating passivity (control) (control). More resistance (control) is used by Kurt, whereas Jamie's wrath and guilt are used more often (control). Suddenly, Kurt goes on the defense and vanishes (control). Attack, resist, blame, protect, and so on and so on... Is this familiar to you?

Both Kurt and Jamie do not wish to inflict harm on one another. The unfortunate thing is that they are also unwilling to learn about one another's thoughts, emotions, and actions. Relying on self-control keeps kids secure by removing the need to verbally express their anxiety. Fear drives their need to dominate, and their love fades in the face of it.

Instead of taking full responsibility for their own happiness and sadness, people delegate it to one another.Think of your emotions as if they were a kid inside of you. Suppose you had a real kid and you continued attempting to give it away to other people so they could raise it and care for it for you. It's likely the youngster would spend much of his or her time afraid and uncertain. Our inner child is frightened and insecure and angry and dejected and nervous if we place the blame for our emotions on someone else. In order to give up the urge to control and fight control, we must accept responsibility for our own sentiments, which we may achieve via the desire to learn.

Even if they were perfectly happy, it would be easy to point the finger at Jamie since she's so needy and irrational. If Kurt had been more attentive and compassionate, it would be just as simple to point the finger at him. The tension between Jamie and Kurt will persist as long as neither of them is prepared to accept responsibility for their own emotions and until love for oneself and one's partner takes precedence over the need to control or be dominated.

In the act of admitting responsibility, blame or fault have nothing to do with it. It is impossible to arrive at a mature and sensible conclusion when everyone feels the need to be correct. Who knows whether Jamie would have started off by saying,"Kurt, I adore celebrating our anniversary and you detest it." "Can we have a discussion about what works for us both?" They could have fixed the problem more quickly. Perhaps instead of resisting Jamie's first controlling words, Kurt might have said, "Honey, you know I don't enjoy festivities, so please do not expect me to prepare anything." The two of us can come up with a solution that works for both of us. Both of them might have shifted their focus from a desire to avoid responsibility to a desire to learn and accept responsibility for achieving their goals.

You have the power to start noticing your own intention.

We can all help to repair our relationships and the earth if we shift our focus from control to love and learn to accept responsibility for our own emotions.