Putting an end to the Homework Wars

Putting an end to the Homework Wars

This year, my son started sixth grade and has been spending a lot of time figuring out who he is in light of all the new opportunities and responsibilities that come with it.

It's new ground for both of us, and it's not always simple to distinguish between his and my responsibilities.

In the middle of an argument over breakfast, I realized that what he ate was no longer my concern. However, I occasionally forget that it was never my business in the first place.

My job is to make sure our kitchen is stocked with the best cuisine possible. There are several alternatives for him to pick from. If he chooses "none of the above," he may then go to school and spend his allowance at the vending machine.

When I got home from school, I apologized to him for the way the day had begun and promised to do better in the future about not meddling in his affairs. When I glanced at him, he responded, "It's OK, mom. Since you've been a part of my life for so long, I understand how difficult it is for you to go.

As a result, it's a never-ending juggling act, but I felt like I was doing well. He sent me a nasty email from his father, who informed me that our son had not completed his school assignments on time and asked why he hadn't worked on these long-term projects while he was at my place.

To make sure he didn't miss any deadlines, he asked me to go through his bag every night and verify all of his documents for due dates.

In spite of the fact that it made sense, I was disturbed by it. because I didn't want to. I thought a sixth-grader should be able to handle anything like this on his or her own.

My gut urged me to let my kid learn the hard way what happens when he doesn't do his schoolwork by the due date. However, I didn't want to let the team down. As a parent, I was unsure about my role in this circumstance.

To be more precise, I was certain until I received the email, at which point I glanced around and realized I had no idea where I was and that I may be lost.

Whenever I find myself in a bind, I reach out to my son's teachers in the hopes that they've encountered something similar in the past and may provide advice. As long as they stated it would benefit him if I took over his homework management, I would do it, no matter how much I resented it.

They were fortunate not to. As a result, they totally backed my impulse to let him learn by experiencing the repercussions of his actions, even if it meant seeing his grades slide as he tried to comprehend the link.

It was a teacher who even gave me a copy of Foster Cline and Jim Fay's Love and Logic cassette, "Winning the Homework Battle." That's when I regained faith in my intuition.

In their book, Parenting with Love and Logic, they advocated for parents to avoid being caught up in the choice/consequence feedback cycle as much as possible.

Their ideology is best shown in action by allowing a youngster to go outside in the cold without suitable clothing. There's a significant difference between your kid wearing a coat because mom told her she couldn't go out without one and selecting a jacket next time based on her past experience of being cold.

Two approaches exist: one is self-awareness that is genuine, observable, and long-lasting, and the other is submission to an external authority figure who must be present for the desired behavior to occur in the future. I don't know about you, but I like intrinsic knowledge as an incentive for my children, and I'd want it to happen sooner rather than later.

There are a few things that I can force my kid to do, and the CD reminded me of that.

It is impossible for me to force him to eat, be polite, or do his assignments. So, what do I have to lose?

I'm able to feed my family well and love the process of cooking and serving it to them. It's up to him whether or not he likes it when I'm pleasant to him and to other people in front of him.

My table is set up for family study time after dinner, so I may use that time to concentrate on my finances or write a letter, and I can encourage him to do the same for his schoolwork.

All that's left is for him to decide.

Some of the treasures on the tape brought tears to my eyes. Throughout the book, Cline and Fay share personal anecdotes about their lives as parents and children. Foster Cline, who had a learning handicap as a youngster (before special education) and routinely returned home report cards packed with D's and F's, gave a particularly pertinent tale.

That's what his father would ask him every time, and he'd answer, "No, sir." His father would then say, "Good!" to this. "I'm pleased to hear that!" and then seal the deal. Finally, there was no more debate.

He overcame his impairment in the 9th grade and went on to become a highly respected MD known for his broad understanding of parenting. He owes his success to his parents' intentional and purposeful decision to focus on his skills and disregard his "weaknesses," which he attributes to his self-confidence.

According to research cited by Cline and Fay, grades have little impact on adult success, whether that success is assessed in terms of financial well-being or intellectual contributions to society. How effectively a person understands and utilizes their areas of competency and how confident they believe they are in their abilities is the only factor that correlates.

Then I'm back to doing my schoolwork again. What message am I sending to my kid if I dig through his bag and then sit down and watch the completion of his homework? Maybe it's because I don't trust him to handle this aspect of his life.

In any case, that's not the message I'd want to send. Instead, I'm keeping my distance from this tape. It is my intention to inform him of my concern for him, but that I am certain that he will find a solution to his assignment dilemma.

One of their boys decided to see if he could get away with doing none of his schoolwork at all, which made for a great story. It was the 13th day in a row that he opted not to do anything. Father: "It's looking like you've decided not to complete any of your schoolwork," he added. "Does it sound right? "Yep, that's correct," his kid said with a smile.

Father: "No problem! I'm here to help. " The people in charge at the school told me that 5th grade is available each year. So, if you missed anything this year because you didn't complete your homework, you may make up for it next year by repeating fifth grade! and turned to go.

And guess what? His kid chose to complete his schoolwork on his own volition, not long after that. And even though he accomplished just enough to get past, he didn't have to endure 5th place again.

I won't go on and on about how much I appreciate www.loveandlogic.com and the other resources they provide, so instead I'll just say that I strongly endorse all they've done. There's no need for me to redo what they've already done so well.

I'm aware that this approach to parenting might be quite controversial. This has worked better for my family than anything else I've tried. So, if you're fed up with the old model of parenting and are looking for a new one, you may want to give it a try.