Adolescent Self-Control and Responsibilization

Adolescent Self-Control and Responsibilization

Taking Charge and Being Accountable

Dear Child,

In a previous letter, we discussed the ideas of power and accountability. This is an important topic, so let's go a bit further.

When someone's conduct is "driving you crazy," take a deep breath and assess if you may be the one with a lack of self-control. Is it possible for you to attempt to influence another person without even realizing it? It's a real prospect. This is a typical dynamic in partnerships when one or both partners are abusing drugs or alcohol. Even in other partnerships, this dynamic is common. Knowing and understanding this may help you avoid unhealthy relationships and boost your chances of developing excellent ones.

If someone's gossiping about you, is it upsetting to you? Does that bother you if someone is nasty or behaves like they are superior to everyone else? It's understandable if you become frustrated by these things, but you should take a step back and ask yourself whether you're more agitated than the average person.

Most of the time, your displeasure comes from someone else not acting in the manner you want them to. It's possible that you can tell exactly what the individual should or should not be doing. You may be able to see right away that the individual's actions are damaging. As long as they follow your advice, things will be a lot better for them. You want to assist this individual, but they won't listen, and it's driving you crazy.

A person's actions are out of your hands. You may provide advice, but you have no power over the other person to force them to act in a certain way. All you can really do is manage your own actions.

In certain cases, the other person's actions may make you feel uncomfortable. You may feel humiliated, as if it were your own actions. How can you be held accountable for the actions of someone else if you have no influence over their actions? Think about it. You're not to blame. For your own actions, you are the only person accountable. Only you can influence your own actions. Remind yourself that it is the other person, not you, who is in charge of their actions, whether it be gossip, rudeness, or drug or alcohol misuse. You have no power over them, so you can't make them stop.

Is there anything you can do to influence the outcome of the situation? You are alone, in charge of and accountable for your own actions, and that is all you have control over. So, what are your options if you find yourself in one of these predicaments?

To begin with, take a step back and consider the issue in terms of power and accountability. Is your mood sour? Is it because of the actions of another person that you are upset? Is it possible that you were not in control of your actions? Are you to blame for the way that you acted? If not, then let go of the weight. Feel the satisfaction of removing a burden off your shoulders! It's always a good idea to know where you stand and where you don't, and what you can and can't accomplish.

Remember to focus on what you can manage and the responsibilities you have. This is how you personally act. Don't think about what the other person is doing and instead concentrate on what you can accomplish. This alleviates some of the stress you've been under, and it's more productive. If you'd like, you may approach the individual and express your displeasure with what you perceive to be their rudeness or arrogance. Either they'll pay attention and change their conduct, or they won't. In any case, you've decided to take action rather than react. You bear personal responsibility for your choices, and you did so in an ethical manner. Responsibility for one's conduct rests solely with the individual.

Because they "made" someone furious, what about the person who feels bad about themselves for doing so? Is it upsetting to you when someone gets angry? People probably experience a range of emotions while reading this. However, the way a person reacts to a circumstance is up to him or her. Even while they may give it a little consideration before acting, they often do it without thinking.

The only way to make me angry is to make fun of you. I'm not saying I won't become irate, but it's up to me. My rage is entirely under my control. Smile, but know that you're not out of the woods just yet. Although your actions may not be directly responsible for my rage, they play a significant role in it. So, as you can see, I have a few options to consider. It is up to you whether or not I become furious and ground you. So, that's not exactly a stellar illustration, is it?

Even while we are accountable for our actions, we are equally responsible for our feelings [the exception would be a person with a mental condition and a chemical imbalance that influences emotions].

Have you ever come across a person who is prone to a fit of rage? Those who are close to this person often go out of their way to avoid making this person upset by bending over backwards and walking on eggshells. Here, there are a number of things going on. To begin with, those who surround this individual are attempting to exert influence over someone else. Is it there? They think it's better if this individual doesn't become irrationally agitated. In order to prevent this individual from feeling furious, they are striving to regulate their emotions by doing whatever it takes. The issue is that these folks are unhappy as a result of having to put in so much effort. It's annoying because they're attempting to exert control over someone else, which is just not feasible.

The second reason is that these individuals feel responsible for the sentiments of someone else. A person who misbehaves in their fury just embarrasses himself and everyone around him.

Finally, they are feeding into this person's out-of-control rage. Everyone will do whatever it takes to appease the person's whims when he or she becomes enraged.

Even though it seems entertaining, I'm not advocating that you get involved and purposefully aggravate the other person. Just be conscious of the situation and don't fall into the trap of attempting to exert authority over someone else.

I apologize in advance if this is unclear. I'm telling you this in the hopes of clearing up any misunderstandings. Please be conscious of this dynamic, and don't attempt to control or blame another person's conduct on yourself. The ideas of accountability and control will serve you well for the rest of your life if you learn them now.